We are an odd family. No, seriously, you should see the looks we get in the store. Or even the parking lot. Apparently dancing around with your children to the Offspring’s “The Kids Aren’t All Right”, while unloading a shopping cart, is frowned upon by some. Ah, well.
Anyhow, case in point:
Characters: DS1 (26 yo), DD2 (23 yo), DS2 (19 yo). DS3 (17 yo), and myself
Place: the kitchen. I am bent over the counter working on a grocery list. The others are standing around. We are talking about life in general.
DS2 reaches up to grab a jar of Planter’s Nuts out of an upper cabinet. Turning, he asks, “Anybody want a peanut?”
I, missing his intent, say, “I don’t think that would be a good idea for me.”
DS1, “Am I mad or did the word think escape your lips?!”
Most moms might take exception to this question from their “child”. This mom got a clue. I turn and look at him, “I swear by my pretty little bonnet, I will end you.”
DD3, “Smash it with a hammer!”
Ds1 turns to her, “Curse your sudden, but inevitable betrayal!”
DS2, “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.”
DS3, “I don’t care very much for chocolate.”
DD3, “Lies! LIAAAAR!”
DS1, “He never listens.”
Me, “Well, it runs in the family.”
DS2. “Excuse me, Barmaid. I’m afraid you brought me the wrong offspring! I ordered an extra-large boy with beefy arms, extra guts and glory on the side! This here, this is a talking fish-bone!” (All the boys are tall and very thin).
The Boxer, who desperately needs his claws clipped, steps on DS3’s bare foot and my son yelps. We all look at him and he says, “Tis but a flesh wound.”
Me, “I want the truth.”
All at the same time, “You can’t handle the truth!”
Reaching down, he takes the dog’s toy from his mouth and waves it at him, “Say hello to my little friend.”
DS1, “I know your friends better than you ever did!” Turning to DD3, he asks, “Why so serious?’
She just stares at him with this weird look on her face. After he takes a step back she says, “I can kill you with my brain.”
He turns to me, “She is starting to damage my calm.”
Me, “I’ve got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.”
DD3, “Will you read us a bedtime story?”
Me, “That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously.”
At that point I had to leave the room to check the downstairs shelves to see what we needed, but they continued on for another hour before they called it quits due to repeating quotes.
Hey, I said we were odd.