DH Getting to Me and Other Things

I am having a hard time now physically and mentally.   A bit of background, then the next post will contain other thoughts that came about from the past month.   I wasn’t going to write any more about DH, because I just didn’t want to, but I’m going over the edge here.

When our van was declared a lost cause, I knew I’d have to eventually get another tow vehicle.  You just can’t tow a 34′ camper with a minivan.  Well, you could but you wouldn’t tow it for long – if you could get it to move.

My original plan was to wait for 6 months before revisiting the truck idea.  One debt account would be paid off, and the payment could be moved over to a vehicle.   That was one of two choices: save up for the truck and pay cash or get a used vehicle loan after paying off at least one account.  Any other choice would put us in a bind. I informed DH of this plan.  He said, “I’m getting overtime.”

I asked how much.  He said, “A lot.  Like you’ll barely see me from now until June.   That will more than cover the cost of a truck payment.  We can have a truck now instead of waiting, and if it’s a 4×4 we’ll have it for winter.”   That last part was attractive to me, because our hill is hard to get up in winter and with several people working the odds of someone getting stuck are high.  It would be good in emergencies, but we’ve done without a four-wheel drive and been okay.  Also, the monthly payment wasn’t something we could afford at that time.   I was in the “not now” category.

Through the next several days, DH said how much overtime he would be getting and that I worried too much over finances.   I asked him if he was positive and stressed that no overtime would put us in a serious bind. Sometimes I think he believes I can pull money out of thin air.   I agreed to go “look at trucks” over the weekend.   We found one which I previously posted about.   I agreed to purchase it despite a nagging feeling that I may be making a mistake.

I know not to ignore that feeling, but I did ignore it based on DH’s statements and the fact we did need another car.  I had none when everyone was at work.   I tried to get the price as low as possible.   But that darn nagging feeling remained.   I also regret not test driving it.  DH drove it.  When I finally drove it, I realized I had trouble seeing over that darn hood scoop when parking it.

A week after the truck was registered, DH went on two weeks leave (vacation time) that he failed to mention he was taking.  He said he wrote it on the calendar.  It took my son and myself several minutes to find where he wrote it.  The rule is you write it on the day squares, because that is where I look.   It helps me plan things like meals if I know every ones’ schedule.   He usually writes it there.   This time he didn’t.

He wrote it in super tiny print right after his work phone number at the very top of the calendar.   My son asked me, “Why did Dad write it there?”  I just said, “I don’t know.”   He said, “He must have wanted you to miss it.”  That made me mad.  Not that my son said it, but that their father has made it visible to his children that he is number one.   I couldn’t argue with him.  It was obviously written so it would be missed.

I asked DH about his overtime.  He started talking about the sequester.  I interrupted him pointing out that I do actually read the news, and there was a budget of sorts done back in September.  The government fiscal year starts October 1st.   He already knew this.   I wanted to know if he lied about overtime.  He tried to backtrack and was interrupted by our house visitor and son as they came into the room.

It really ticks me off when he tells obvious lies to cover getting caught in a lie and thinks I’m stupid enough to believe them.  Then he says, “I don’t remember that.” when he’s backed into a corner over something.  Bottom line: he lied to get me to buy the truck.

I am now in the financial situations I wanted to avoid.   We are overextended.  This totally ticks me off, because I told him two cars need new tires.  Neither are his car – of course.   I have one son driving in winter on bald tires.  We have had a lot of ice so far.  The money that was supposed to buy at least two tires went to the truck payment that was due this month.  I also stressed how much of a bind we’d be in if we bought the truck and there wasn’t overtime.

He doesn’t want the kids to drive the truck.  He no longer has a choice in that.   I would rather my kids drive that monster vehicle than wreck on bald tires.  But I need to take them out to an empty lot to get used to it.  It’s much bigger than anything they’ve driven.   He stated again that he didn’t want them driving the truck.  Neither do I mainly because it is bigger than what they’re used to, but if they’re going to wreck, it would be better in a big truck than a little sedan.

The kids informed me that DH makes comments to them all the time, when they drive together (he doesn’t do it when I’m with him), about how bad the gas mileage is on the truck.  He hasn’t mentioned it to me at all.  What does that tell me?  It tells me he fully intended on taking the truck to work and back.  He works about 45 minutes away.  If he mentioned the mpg to me, then I’d know what he was up to.  As he said before: I know him.  Which makes me mad at myself for believing him about the overtime.

I’m amazed that he would think I’d even consider it.  I’m also amazed he thought it would get good gas mileage.  He was told at the start: it’s a work truck for the farm/homestead.  It was never meant for commuting or daily driving.  It’s a tow vehicle, so it has one of the strongest engines which, obviously, sucks on gas.  He knows this.  It’s similar to the van which didn’t have very good mpg.

To date, there has not been one single hour of overtime.  We’ll see what the future brings, but I’m not holding my breath.

Mistake 1?  Forgetting how much DH wanted a truck.

Mistake 2?  Forgetting how much DH lies to get what he wants.

Aw, who am I kidding?  My mistake was trusting DH again.   And again.  And again.

Our dishwasher isn’t working correctly.  I think the hot water tank needs to be flushed to rid it of sediment which is showing up in sinks, dishes, etc. when the hot water is ran.   I’m not positive about this, but the research I’ve done seems to show this as the culprit.  It sticks to everything in the dishwasher which kind of defeats the purpose.  Until Spring, we need to hand wash the dishes.

I am trying to get everyone to wash their own dishes.  They’re all over 18.  They should be able to do this.   DH has a bad habit of sabotaging “training” things, then blaming others for him “having to do the work”.

On leave, he began washing all the dishes.  One child would eat something and stick the plate in the sink.  I would chase them down and make them go wash it.  But DH had already washed it.  I told him to stop, so the kids would get into the habit of doing their own.  It’s not our job to clean up after them. He pitched a fit saying the kids would never do their dishes, and he was sick of eating on dirty dishes.

HUH?!

What?!

I asked him when is the last time he ate on a dirty dish.   He had to admit never.  I asked him why on earth he would even imply I’d feed him using dirty plates.  He said, “You wouldn’t.”   I said, “Then you are making stupid statements, aren’t you?”  I left the room before I kicked him out.   Followers know that I had planned on a divorce, but stayed for various reasons.  It is becoming increasingly clear that I have made a mistake.

No one has done a dish the entire two weeks he was home.  Not even me.   I gave up trying to get the kids to wash their own until he went back to work.  Then he came home from work and would wash them.  I finally got him to stop, and now he complains because there is a dish or 5 in the sink.  This is new for him.  Normally he doesn’t say anything about it, so I’m not sure what changed, but he is getting very nit-picky about stuff.

Yes, him washing dishes is a nice thing.  If it wasn’t designed to sabotage me or be used as emotional manipulating.  He has never done this unless it was a holiday and the dishes were piled high due to illness or just being so busy no one could get to them.  To suddenly start washing dishes randomly is suspect.  Or I’m paranoid about his actions based on previous actions.  But I don’t think I’m being paranoid.

He told me he had finished the goat barn roof.  He hadn’t.  Half the hay was covered in snow during the first snow storm.  It’s in a loft under the roof.  The snow blew up under the eaves.   I’m hoping it’s cold enough that it won’t mold.     We’re using it first.  When I mentioned it to him, he said he forgot about it.  He put in a piece of wood to block the snow – which blocks the ventilation.  We have the ventilation pieces.  I have no idea why he didn’t use them.  When I ask all he says is, “I’ll finish it in the Spring.”    With my arm re-injured there isn’t much I can do which makes it all very frustrating.

Since the children were little, we’ve had a TV in our bedroom.  I hate it, but it was better than hearing whining about how the kids are always watching movies, playing video games, etc. on the one TV we had.   He seemed to forget that half the time we didn’t even have cable.

Hearing kids crying, because their dad turned off their movie so he could watch football, got old fast.  Plus, honestly, I can’t stand football.  I really can’t.  I tried watching it.  I tried understanding it.  Forget it.  I can watch Nascar, but football?  Nope.  I literally tense up when it’s on and I’m in the room.  I can’t explain it.   So, he got the TV in the bedroom where he could watch what he wanted when he wanted.

When TV tuners for computers came out, he took some of his sneaked money and bought a TV tuner for his computer.  At that point he now had the 42″ TV in the bedroom and his computer to watch whatever he wanted.  The rest of the family had the TV in the living room.  Eventually, because my pc is in the basement, a TV was put down here and the kids unofficially got the living room TV.  I bought a TV on clearance for down here and he took it.  It was better than his.  I have his old TV which he didn’t bother to inform me that it’s breaking.    Not a big deal to me, because I rarely watch TV unless I’m cooking or need background noise.  Yes, I’m weird.  Sometimes it’s too quiet.   I can see the living room TV from the kitchen, so I’ll turn it on while I cook.

Suddenly, like in the past two weeks, he has commandeered the living room TV.   I was going to clean the living room and cook dinner and was watching a Bones marathon.  I went to the bathroom, came out and he was on the couch watching football.    Umm….

When I mentioned that I was watching TV, he began ranting that no one was in the living room, it was just on, blahblahblah.    It’s never on unless someone is watching it, period.  It’s a small house.  He had to pass the bathroom to get to the living room.  There is no way he didn’t know someone was watching it.  He has done this several times in the past few weeks.

When I point out that he has two other places to watch TV and that this is the only place for the kids and I to watch when we’re up there, I get comments I can’t even explain, because they make no sense, like “So what if I have two places to watch?  I can watch this one, too.”  Not if someone else is already watching it.  He sounds like a petulant child.

When I make popcorn, a popular snack, I make sure there is enough to go around including bringing him a good size bowl.  He’s been making himself popcorn (the same amount I make for everyone) and says there isn’t enough for anyone else when the kids smell it and come down for a bit of it.   Let’s teach selfishness to the children, shall we?

Add in my mom.  She is disappointed in me: in my political beliefs, my religious beliefs, how I live, how I raised my kids.  You name it.   I know this because she has told me.  She has asked, on Facebook no less, how I could be her daughter.   She says publicly that she loves DH and that I’m a bitch to him.   I can’t even describe how hurtful that is especially when she only believes him.   Her first husband was physically abusive to her and a possible pedophile, so you’d think she’d get it, right?  Nope.  I’m not getting hit, so it’s nothing.

In the past week, she has landed in the hospital twice for accelerated heart rate and sky-high blood pressure.  The first time, she was at a normal doctor appointment and he listened to her heart.  He immediately sent her to the ER for tests.   They couldn’t find anything wrong.   She got out of the hospital for the second time the other day. She just called the doctor for the third time because her heart rate and blood pressure are high again.

I suggested that maybe the new diet the heart doctor put her on isn’t in her best interests.   It involves a lot of protein shakes.  These are loaded with various types of MSG which can cause accelerated heart rate and blood pressure.  I learned this the hard way.   I said maybe she should stop drinking them and see how she feels.

I got the whole “you’re not a doctor and have no idea what you’re talking about” speech despite knowing more about MSG poisoning than most doctors do.  I’m “weird” and “stupid” for thinking I know more than medical staff do.  I could write a book about the mistakes medical staff have done to my family starting with the death of my first-born.  If it is MSG poisoning, it will just keep getting worse and right now I have no money to get to a funeral nor do I want my mom to die despite how she feels about me.

A while back I slipped on the ice, fell, hit my head on the corner of the dog kennel, then hit my right elbow (yes, the one that hasn’t healed from tennis elbow yet) and my head on the ice itself.   Obviously a massive headache showed up.  It kept getting worse throughout the day until I could barely lift it indicating a trip to the ER should probably be in my near future.  End result: no permanent physical damage, but something is off in the memory and emotion department.   Further investigation is ongoing.  I’ll write more about that later.

The “kids” aren’t doing their jobs around the house.  My son moved his girlfriend into his room (not allowed in this house), so we’re fighting about that to the point I informed him he was free to move out if he didn’t like the rules.  We came to a compromise, but he is still breaking other rules as are the others.  One’s job is to unload the dishes.  He had a few minutes before work, so I said, “Please unload the dishes.  You’ve blown it off for two days and dishes need to be washed.”   He said, “Gotta go to work.”, threw his coat on and left earlier than his normal time.

This is all new.  Normally my children do not disrespect me like this.  My eldest daughter said that maybe it’s because I’m letting DH walk over me and not sticking to my guns like I have done in the past.   I’m not enforcing rules like I used to.  I’m not standing by what I say like I used to. This has caused me to think about that a lot.

None of them pay rent right now.  They are all trying to get back on their feet.  However, I have told them I will not hesitate to kick them out if they stress me too much nor will I take them with me if they don’t straighten up and help out.

It’s all of these little things that start piling up that make me want to scream.  I’m not a saint.  I’m not perfect. Everything I do is to further our family goals that DH says he wants.   I ask him for his input a lot, so I make sure I’m not planning on things he doesn’t want.  He always says he wants what I want.  Now I know that it’s all lies.

I made a comment about buying land in Texas to be near the grands.  He said he thought we were moving back to South Carolina.  I have NO idea where he got that.  I liked S.C.  It was my favorite place to live if you discount the black and brown widows, spiders the size of your face, and palmetto bugs.   However, I never said I wanted to move back there.   He also mentioned Florida which is the one place I didn’t like, though we lived in Orlando and I hate cities.

I am more of a mountainous treed terrain kind of person (think mountains of Tennessee type of terrain), but I love my grand kids and miss them.  I’m willing to go to flat terrain to be near them.  I can always plant trees.   I asked him why he didn’t want to move to be near the grands.  He said he didn’t care where we retired to.   He specifically mentioned SC and FL, so obviously he gave it some thought.  I asked if he wanted to move to either of those states.  He said Texas was fine.  I have a feeling that if we’re still together (doubtful), he’ll suddenly start lying like he did about the truck in order to manipulate me into the state he wants.

It’s very hard for me to trust and once you’ve blown that trust, it will be very hard for you to earn it back.  DH continues to blow it over and over again.   You should be able to trust the one person you’re supposed to spend your life with.   I can’t trust a single thing about him.  To be blunt, I don’t love him and I’m not sure I ever did.  Why we got married is another long story.

I can’t even be in the same room with him for too long.  I start tensing up to the point I’ve had a child come up behind me and push my shoulders back down, because I’ve tensed so much they’re up to my ears.

I’ve stopped the paper and the Y membership.  I plan on stopping Netflix and cable.  The cable will cause a fight, but there is nothing else to do.  I am slowly going through and cutting out anything extra.    I have to make up for the truck payment.   I’m only halfway there.   I’d stop the internet, but people need it for job hunting and WW3 would break out with DH.  I don’t think the stress if worth it.

I’m to refrain from making any major decisions now, but this has been ongoing for years.  A bump on my head does not change it.  I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but this post is long enough.  It’s basically background for the next post.  I’ve been thinking – a lot.  A whole lot.  Re-evaluating things.   Trying to decide what is important and what isn’t.   I think it’s time to really get things in order for my own sanity.

 

 

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